could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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