I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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