That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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