I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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