I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
