I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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