dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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