dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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