Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
