I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
