i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
