You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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