90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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