my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
be right there i have to get my cape
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is Oprah even human
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize