I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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