Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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