Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize