i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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