Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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