Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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