her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
