you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
