I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
