Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
