my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
