Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
