I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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