I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
