its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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