There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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