My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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