Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
