he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
