she was so not down for the gang bang
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
