I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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