I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
