I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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