I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
