I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
