do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So squirting runs in the family.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
