Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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