Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
