Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
