my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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