4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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