get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
