apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have fence marks all over my body
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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