This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
