hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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