why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
