So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
